The Riza Aziz trial commences

Let us imagine that Riza Aziz’s money-laundering trial has commenced and let us also imagine this is how the trial is going to be conducted.


Raja Petra Kamarudin

Judge: Okay, let us begin. What is the first case we are hearing?

Prosecutor: The first case is the Government of Malaysia versus Riza Shahriz Abdul Aziz who is charged with five counts of involvement in money-laundering activities totalling US$248 million or RM1.25 billion.

Judge: Money-laundering? Again? Takde ke sodomy case that I can hear?

Prosecutor: Takde, your honour, sorry.

Judge: How come takde? With so much sodomy going on all over Malaysia takkanlah takde satu pun case for me to hear. You give the cases to another judge to hear or what?

Prosecutor: Not that, your honour. It’s just that so far no one has been charged for sodomy.

Judge: How come? With so many videos and confessions you still cannot charge anyone?

Prosecutor: The problem, your honour, is that everyone involved in sodomy are Prime Ministers-in-waiting. So, if we charge them, then we will have no Prime Minister-in-waiting and Tun Dr Mahathir will not be able to retire until GE15 in 2023.

Judge: Okay lah! Money-laundering pun money-laundering lah. Counsel, call your first witness.

Prosecutor: Err…we do not have any witnesses your honour.

Judge: Oh, and what do you base the charges on? These are five charges of money-laundering totalling US$248 million or RM1.25 billion. Certainly there must be a basis for the charges.

Prosecutor: Actually, your honour, they are not five charges of money-laundering. They are five charges of involvement in money-laundering activities.

Judge: What’s the difference?

Prosecutor: The difference, your honour, is that the defendant is merely being charged for involvement, meaning collaboration or as an accomplice, and not for being the actual perpetrator of the money-laundering crime.

Judge: So, you regard the defendant as merely the fence and not the robber, is it?

Prosecutor: Well, something like that, your honour.

Judge: But you do not have any witnesses.

Prosecutor: That’s correct, your honour.

Judge: So how do you know the defendant committed the crime?

Prosecutor: Based on the fact the defendant’s company, Red Granite Pictures, returned the money to the US Government.

Judge: Okay, so the defendant admitted guilt then.

Prosecutor: No, your honour, the defendant did not admit guilt. In fact, they made it very clear when they returned the money that it is not an admission of guilt.

Judge: So why did his company return the money then?

Prosecutor: Because the United States Department of Justice or DoJ was going for them. And you know lah, your honour, once the US government goes for you, it does not matter whether you are innocent or guilty. They will still finish you off. So better just pay up rather than try to fight the US Government, especially if you are a Muslim from a Muslim country.

Judge: So, basically, this was like blackmail or extortion then, the normal thing that the US Government does to weaker people?

Prosecutor: That sort of sums it up very well, your honour.

Judge: So how are you going to build your case against the defendant?

Prosecutor: We will use news reports as our evidence.

Judge: News reports? Are these eyewitness reports?

Prosecutor: Not quite, your honour.

Judge: Hearsay evidence?

Prosecutor: Not quite, your honour.

Judge: Then what?

Prosecutors: Based on rumours which a blog in the UK published and which were picked up by news agencies in the US about the crime that was committed in the Middle East.

Judge: Does anything at all involve something that happened in Malaysia?

Prosecutor: No, your honour. Everything was outside Malaysia.

Judge: Aiyah! Then where got jurisdiction? Bring me some sodomy cases to hear. All those sodomy cases happened in Malaysia. So I have jurisdiction to hear them in my court.

Prosecutor: Not all those sodomy cases happened in Malaysia, your honour. Got many more cases that happened outside Malaysia.

Judge: Is it? Wow! Okay, let us first adjourn this trial and then you can join me in my chambers where we can talk more about all those sodomy cases outside Malaysia.

Prosecutor: But off the record, your honour, okay?

Judge: Of course, off the record. Maybe you can help me search for the videos on Porn Hub as well.

Prosecutor: That one no problem, your honour, I have all the links.

Judge: Hah! You pun kaki porn macam aku juga, ya?