Shut Up, Kit Siang!

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While you seem to have no control over Hadi, you know too damn well that Wan Azizah needs you now more than ever. It is precisely for this reason that you zeroed in on PAS rather than attacking both PAS and PKR. 

Raggie Jessy

Now that I’ve got your attention, I’m here to tell you what a royal pain in the arse you can be, Kit Siang. At any rate, my arse is just about aching right now.

But it’s not a case of the piles, no. I can assure you that I have it pretty good each time my tummy goes a rumbling. A copy of the Reader’s Digest and a cigarette, and I’m usually set to take nature by its horns. Well, by the bowl actually. Usually, the experience is as much inspirational as it is, illuminative. Try it; take a dump while flipping through the Reader’s Digest. You’ll find pretty good articles to get your mind off the sordid stench that pervades your toilet when you’re in it. Oh, and the cigarette…well, that’s just my way of staving off the unpleasant pong.

“It is clear that the Umno decision to stay out of the Chempaka by-election was part of a Machiavellian Umno political ploy to cause a break-up of Pakatan Rakyat and had really nothing to do with post-flood relief work in Kelantan,” you were reported to have said in an editorial some days back.

Now hold your horses just there, Kit Siang. By Machiavellian, did you mean ‘a crafty old, double dealing trickster’? If that is the case, then you must have been referring to the mother of all Machiavellians known to Malaysians. He’s somewhere in Sungai Buloh, but I’m not telling on him.

Anyway, I’ll let you stand your ground for the moment on this Machiavellian bit. So yes, UMNO is all set to rip Pakatan Rakyat apart at its seams. Put differently, UMNO has Najib flooring a steamroller destined to flatten your heads. But then, all this is contingent on your wisdom and stern veracity, which I sincerely doubt are worth two cents.

Anyway, assuming you’re right, none of this surprises me one bit. After all, a Kit Siang in hand isn’t worth two hoots in Najib’s books. But not the same can be said of PAS or PKR.

You see, a PKR-PAS fallout would split Malay votes within Pakatan, extending enough rope for Najib to hang the egos of dissident Chinese from atop flagpoles. Put differently, Najib wouldn’t need to beg the better half of Chinese voters any longer, because he’d manage an impregnable fortress by denying any given Malay based opposition party the luxury of a united front comprising reformist Malays.

For heaven’s sake, even my goddamn milkman could work the odds out, Kit Siang. Should UMNO really be out to tear Pakatan Rakyat apart, it would most certainly be to ensure none of you ever play a tune in concert again. Not that you and Hadi ever did play a tune right. But hey, that’s what politics is all about, right? You say one thing behind, and another cow-to-ass. Hence the moo point.

That’s right, a moo point; a point in contention which makes absolutely no sense. Agreeing to disagree, you buggers manage a five with two and two. You had the Chinese at ‘jom ubah’ just around the time Hadi had the ulama’s at ‘hidup hudud!’. Yet, the Chinese refused to say ‘jom ubah, hidup hudud!’, while PAS ulama’s have been going all around town with Hudud on hailers. Now, all we have to do is to wait for the fat lady to sing…

But enough on moo points here. We’re on Machiavellians.

Imagine me telling you that “your decision to forge an alliance with PAS was part of a Machiavellian ploy to disrupt racial harmony and turn the Chinese against UMNO and the Malays, and really had nothing to do with upholding principles of democracy and the right to disagree.” Now surely you’d be itching to get a firm grip of my neck, wouldn’t you?

Well, it remains imperative that you do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And I wouldn’t do unto a Lim what I wouldn’t have a Lim do unto me.

So under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t presume that you were up to no good by turning the Chinese against the Malays. But then, you inveigled yourself a free pass in taking the piss out of UMNO. Likewise, I’m going to show you how much of a Machiavellian misfit you are yourself.

1. The anti-establishment Kit Siang?

In a book by Ooi Kee Beng, you said, “… in those days, if your family was not already politically involved, and mine wasn’t, then if and when you did get politically interested, you would not involve yourself with the established political parties. You would tend to favour alternatives.”

So MCA, the dominant Alliance based Chinese party back then, wasn’t on your radar simply because of your predilection towards alternatives, which was communally driven. And just as you presumed UMNO to be brewing a plot against Pakatan, I will now presume that your struggles were purely anti-establishment, with no bearing on democracy or patriotism whatsoever.

2. The anti-bahasa Melayu Kit Siang?

Then, on the 24th of November 1968, you took to the podium against Syed Naquib Alatas of Gerakan, striving in fierce contention against the exclusive use of the Malay language in Malaysian literature. Now, at no point did the Malaysian Government then prevent the Chinese or the Indians from publishing their literature in their respective mother tongues.

A political novice, you effectively questioned the need for a sovereign nation to develop its cultural identity by enforcing the use of its national language (and heritage) for literary purposes. Put differently, you chose to make a standing in the eyes of a people by circuitously challenging the national language. So what would you prefer? That Tamil, English, Chinese and Bahasa Melayu be made official languages?

Be that as it may, I will now presume that you were against the Malay language being the official language. And since you never did rescind these convictions, I shall presume that you are as yet against the Malay language being the official language.

3.  The anti-Malay Kit Siang?

Back when Lee Kwan Yew’s PAP and UMNO were at loggerheads with each other, Kwan Yew had deliberately sidelined the issue of acceptance to Malay Language as the National Language.

Mahathir remarked in his Parliamentary address on the 26th of May 1965, that PAP was a discerning and sophisticated communal based party that was positively anti-Malay, despite using the non-communal label. According to Mahathir, PAP had kept its anti-Malay aura shrouded, only to let its colours out as a matter of political strategy in winning Chinese and foreign countries to its side.

As Mahathir put it, “when PAP first made overtures to the Central Government on the common market and merger, UMNO was never attacked. The Malaysian Chinese Association was all the time the target of the People’s Action Party.” MCA was then depicted to the Malays as a Chinese Chauvinist party by PAP.

As recent as the 27th February 2015, you wrote, “I never knew it is so easy to trap MCA and Gerakan leaderships into admitting their unholy subservience to UMNO by giving (a) blank cheque agreement to UMNO Kelantan State Assemblymen to support PAS hudud implementation in Kelantan State Assembly next month, although this will be a fundamental deviation from their founding party principles and the commitments of their founding fathers.”

So some 48 years on, and you’re still resonating on Kwan Yew’s unfounded and presumptuous rants. You may be right, you may be wrong. It doesn’t really matter to me one way or the other. What seems intriguing, is the fact that you took pot-shots at MCA and Gerakan, both Chinese oriented, by identifying them with UMNO as one would a dog with its tail.

Now, I’m not here to prove you right or wrong. No. I’m here to say that you’ve been bloody consistent with your rants against MCA and its politics of associations. Particularly, you’ve been consistent in depicting MCA as being on UMNO’s leash.

When Kwan Yew attempted to turn the Malays against MCA, he failed to anticipate an UMNO-MCA alliance that was tried-and-true. Thus he wasn’t prepared for a backlash by the alliance that had him packing and crying all the way back to Singapore.

I think you took off where Kwan Yew failed. You see, the average Malay back then was never set against a Chinese presence. But when Kwan Yew came to the fore with his ‘Malaysian Malaysia’ slogan, he got PAP to tug the carpet from under MCA’s feet. When that failed, Kwan Yew began attacking UMNO, triggering hatred among the Malays and the Chinese. As far as I’m concerned, Kwan Yew provoked the Malays and had them manning their forts for no apparent reason.

When you swished in, you picked PAP’s slogan up and hurled brickbats at MCA. You began accusing MCA leaders of being acquiescent subordinates to UMNO functionaries. But what I really think you were doing was to antagonize the Chinese further towards a revolt of sorts. And not only do I think it worked; you’re still at it to this day.

So I will now presume that you turned the Chinese against the Malays.

4. The Machiavellian Kit Siang?

Speaking of Gerakan, you began taking pot shots at Lim Chong Eu’s fortress in 1968. Following is an excerpt of your statement in the run up to the Serdang by-election on the 23rd of December 1968:

“The Alliance and the MCA are very happy with Gerakan’s role in the Serdang by-election. I will in fact not rule out the possibility of a pre-nomination day deal between the Gerakan and the Alliance (Parti Perikatan)to make sure the DAP does not win the Serdang by-election.”

Your outburst was not unfounded though. Back then, you sat brooding by the curb as Parti Perikatan and Gerakan paraded the boulevard with jubilance. They struck a bargain of sorts, which saw to Gerakan’s instatement as an Alliance component party. More importantly, Gerakan had Penang anchored firmly to Barisan Nasional’s Federal, which seemed to put a spoke in your wheel. The whisper in the Straits of Malacca is that a certain west coast ambition got toasted like a crumpet.

Recently, on the 17th of February 2015, you accused UMNO (yet again) of attempting to forge an alliance. This time, however, the alliance concerned PAS, a component member to Pakatan Rakyat.

“This will be a revival of the plot by certain UMNO schemers and strategists to promote the UG concept or ‘unity government’ of UMNO and PAS, but which has not been able to make much headway to date because of the staunch and uncompromising opposition from Nik Aziz,” he said. “To these UMNO schemers and strategists, the death of Nik Aziz brings new hope for their dormant ‘UG’ conspiracy.”

And yet again, your outcry was warranted. You know as well as I do, that deliberations are afoot for a unity government of sorts between UMNO, PAS and Selangor PKR. That’s right, an Azmin run Selangor PKR. You’re well aware of these deliberations, and are sore at being left by the curb yet again. But it may be a little more than the curb that’s getting to you this time around.

You see, Azmin doesn’t really run PKR. But Wan Azizah certainly does. And it’s an open secret that Wan Azizah begrudges Azmin his rank in Selangor’s Legislative Assembly. To put it bluntly, Wan Azizah prefers that she be the Menteri Besar of Selangor. But as we all know, the Palace cooked Wan Azizah’s goose and served it with the toasted crumpets we spoke of earlier.

So while Azmin would have you ditched for prawns, Wan Azizah is all set to drag you into a battle of wits that may force UMNO to reconsider alliances in forging ahead with a unity government. Either way, it pisses you off.

It does, because an UMNO-DAP alliance would put the kibosh on your years of anti-UMNO rants. Your audience would never buy into such an alliance, which is why you may be forced to refrain from having anything to do with the unity government.

How am I doing so far?

Well, there goes Selangor and a possible west coast agenda. And each time you cross the Straits of Malacca from Gelang Patah to Penang, make sure to dock into Azmin’s port and tell him how he reminds you of Gerakan’s Lim Chong Eu.

Anyway, back to the crux of this very interesting story. While you seem to have no control over Hadi, you know too damn well that Wan Azizah needs you now more than ever. It is precisely for this reason that you zeroed in on PAS rather than attacking both PAS and PKR. Which is why, dear Kit Siang, you may well be the grandmother of all Machiavellians known to Malaysians.

In keeping up with tradition, I will now assume that you’re indeed the grandmother of all Machiavellians known to Malaysians. You see, we can’t anoint you the mother of all Machiavellians. That title is well reserved for someone in Sungai Buloh.

Put these assumptions together, and what do we have?

“Kit Siang is an anti-establishment Machiavellian, the grandmother of them all, who is bent on turning the Chinese against the Malays”

Now don’t you blame me for assuming further, that your decision to forge an alliance with PAS was “part of a Machiavellian ploy to disrupt racial harmony and turn the Chinese against UMNO and the Malays, and really had nothing to do with upholding principles of democracy and the right to disagree.”

How do I know this? The same way the fly from my toilet made it ‘clear’ to you that the “Umno decision to stay out of the Chempaka by-election was part of a Machiavellian Umno political ploy to cause a break-up of Pakatan Rakyat and had really nothing to do with post-flood relief work in Kelantan,”

Perchance, the fly got some ideas by reading an article from the Reader’s Digest, the one I was holding in my hand while taking a dump.

A tit for a tat eh, Kit Siang? You assume, and I reciprocate. And I’ll be glad to debate any of the above with you any day, any time. Cheers!