What Alpha Conde can learn from Malaysia

Ice Cream Seller

Whilst in Africa, I read with interest that the President of Guinea, Alpha Conde (AC) is on a visit to Malaysia to learn how his government could learn development from Malaysia. I also read that he paid a visit to MM besides the routine round of diplomacy. Who better to see than the Si Fu himself especially you want to leave your mark over at least one generation of your countryman.

Whether we are the right model or not depends on Alpha Conde’s understanding of GOVERNMENT and DEVELOPMENT.

Malaysia is a unique country as our leaders love to say. Our definition of GOVERNMENT and DEVELOPMENT is also unique. That is the first thing to be learnt.

MM must be delighted that AC has started aptly by LOOKING EAST. The fundamental lessons he will need to learn would include:

1) Natural Resources
If you have minerals, oil, gas etc, you need to establish a national corporation for each resource. You may need to set up PETROGUN, GOLDGUN, GASGUN but ensure that not any “sonofagun” gets to helm it. (SONOFAGUN is an acronym for “son of a Guinean”. Here we call them BUMIPUTERA.) You have to ensure that the assets are well exploited and all information protected under an OFFICIAL SECRETS ACT. Your people will not understand how the complex accounting and legal issues work so the OSA will keep it that way.

2) Internal Security Act
This is really important. Future leaders that you groom, should they go astray, can be dealt with under the ISA. In fact it is so good, you can use it to protect your citizens by detaining them under the ISA. Anyone who is a threat to national security – teachers, lawyers, students, doctors, housewives, widows, judges etc all can be dealt with, under this. It is like TIGER BALM – good for almost anything (but definitely not as a lubricant.)

3) Education
Under no circumstances should you allow the general population to study in English. This should only be for citizens who have a certain pedigree. That way, when you educate them only in your national language, your investment in their education is protected because they cannot emigrate or work overseas. Brain drain is avoided. This benefit of studying English is only for those with the right pedigree. Also, by the time the average citizens finish high school and enter your local universities and eventually graduate, they will be well qualified to be MPs in your parliament. By then, they are brain dead – which is what you will need to make your mark over a generation.

4) Civil Service
If you need 1 civil servant, make sure you employ at least two. That way, when they graduate from university, they are assured of a job and you are assured of 2 votes instead of 1 during elections. If time permits, you should see how to implement something called BTN. Its a very interesting bureau where they can do alignment of perception. Here they call it CUCI OTAK. Our nasty opposition politicians call it brain washing but don’t mind them – you’ll have the ISA (Lesson No 2).

5) Judiciary
The judiciary is, out of necessity, the catalyst that enables you to achieve what you set out to do for the good of Guinea. Unlike Western democracies where the judiciary is an impediment to executing the plans of the Executive, you must ensure that the judiciary is on the same page. By the time the education policy that you learn from us bears fruit, you will have many candidates that can be ushered to high office. Even before then, you may need to put in cold storage any judicial officers educated in the West who may have such Westernised liberal leanings.

6) Police
This institution is absolutely necessary for law and order – your law and they follow orders. If the national budget does not have enough to pay for a sizeable police force, provided you train them well enough, they will be able to get enough from the public to live comfortably. Every IGP should be given suitable training in boxing before taking office.

7) Election Commission
To legitimise your tenure for at least a 30 year innings, you will need to set up the EC. These officers can be appointed from your own political party. After all, the objective is to ensure that you and your party remain in control so that the nation will benefit and your vision fulfilled. In the unlikely event that you could be losing an election, the EC can jettison a few ballot boxes of those who give trouble, especially the traitors. Instead of using indelible ink which the West will harp about, you should use invisible ink. This is safer and cheaper. We manufacture a lot of this ink here and will be pleased to supply you.

8) RRC
At the end of the day, your citizens must do things for the race, religion and country. Here we call it UNTUK AGAMA, BANGSA DAN NEGARA. This mantra is important because when you face threats from liberals, gays, women, students, this rallying call will spur your cadres to do what is necessary for RRC.

9) National Car
To jump start your country’s technology base, you should start a national car – MOTOGUN or AUTOGUN (Don’t call it Guineapeeg). We can provide you the technology and help protect the auto car industry in many ways – preferential tariffs, import permits for foreign cars (which can help build up your millionaire base as well), soft loans for civil servants and so on. The people with the right pedigree can still buy the imported luxury cars since they will be able to read the instrument panels in English.

You will find handy to have a Dept of Religious Affairs Guinea (DRAGUN). All man will sin. They will take bribes, fornicate, commit adultery, steal etc. DRAGUN will help to ensure your civil servants and the public at large are not caught being careless. You must appreciate that being caught is a bigger sin than the sin itself.

Good luck, Your Excellency and hope you enjoyed our Indian origin national drink – TEH-TARIK.