What the crystal ball says: A peep into M’sia 2010


This chain of events by chronological order is likely to take place in the coming year. A combination of sophisticated statistical modeling together with the latest advances in probability modeling and reinforced by the latest (pirated) software currently used by the Prime Minister’s KPI and NKRA team have been used to arrive at these predictions. Unlike the PM’s team though, I cannot vouch that these outcomes are guaranteed.

Tiger – Out of the woods into the M’sian jungle?

The Malaysian Government is in close touch with advisers from Tiger Wood’s camp on plans for him to spend the next few months of his golf exile in Malaysia. Speaking confidentially to reporters, a senior Malaysian Minister said that assurances had been made to Tiger that there would be no pussyfooting, caterwauling or other nonsense permitted from any quarter with Tiger’s name and image during the period of his stay in Malaysia.

The same Minister claimed that Malaysia was the world leader in damage control and news spinning on sex and other high level public scandals involving prominent people.

The same source also pointed out that Malaysia’s national emblem and coat of arms (Jata Negara in Malay) consists of a shield or escutcheon and two prancing tigers. Hence, it would be entirely appropriate for Tiger to make his way to the beacon of hope and freedom that is Malaysia and to get a respite from those wishing to cage him or do worst. Inclusion of a third prancing tiger in the coat of arms would also be entirely appropriate seeing that the original was designed more than 50 years ago.

“We stand by our record of hospitality to those seeking a refuge from the chaos and madness of the outside world”, said the Minister. Quoting from the inscription at the base of the Statue of Liberty, he argued that this move by Malaysia will demonstrate to the rest of the world how serious we are at providing to “[the] tired, [the] poor, [the] huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of [the] teeming shore ….[the] lamp beside the golden door.”

Should Tiger make his way to Malaysia, which the Minister confided was likely to happen sooner rather than later, the Minister said that Tiger would be given permanent residency status as well as made the poster boy for the country’s ‘Malaysia My Second Home Programme’.

He noted that the advertising contract for the campaign presently lacked‘oomph’and that Tiger’s endorsement would be a win-win situation for both parties. Tiger would be able to recoup much of his lost millions in commercial endorsements, and Malaysia’s global standing would skyrocket. He cautioned reporters though not to mention the failure of the government to offer golfer Vijay Singh permanent residency status two decades earlier. “There was no racial agenda then and now”, it was stressed.