Dear Minister, Please Filter the Internet!

Art Harun

Okay. I have changed my mind.

Initially, when Malaysian Insider reported that the government had invited tenders for Internet filter, I became quite upset.

Then Minister Rais said it was only an exercise to look for ways to deal with pornography, especially child pornography, I cooled down a bit. After all, I trust our Ministers. Because, erm…well, they are our Ministers.

But now I think the government should filter the Internet. I changed my mind. Sorry for any inconvenience caused. By the way, don't you all just love those sorry-for-any-inconvenience-caused signboards, especially when you are stuck for 3 and a half hours in your car because some dick had to close 2 lanes from the 3 lane road you are on just so that he could complete his nice little building or something? Any inconvenience caused? No. Not at all. What inconvenience? We all love being in the traffic, looking at Rempits zig-zagging and whacking our side mirrors and Bangladeshis walking by the side of the road holding each others hand. Nice.

Anyway, it is a slow day. And I digressed.

Yes. Back to the topic. I now want the Internet filtered. Why? Because I am afraid I might grow stupid one of these days. Or I might die of laughter. You know, I might laugh so much that I might swallow my own tongue and choke on my own fingers while trying to free my tongue from my own throat. Things like that. So, please somebody. Do something. Filter the Internet!

The other day I read some journalist from Utusan Malaysia, – yes, that beacon of racial integrity – who apparently covered Karpal Singh's press statement on the Perak constitutional rumpus, actually thought that "ultra vires" means "insult". No wonder Utusan Malaysia was very angry with Karpal. LOL!

Then an RTM newscaster promptly ultra-vires-ed Karpal by testifying that she did not have a clue as to who he was. I mean, if I were Karpal, that would be an ultra-vires I could never forgive.

Then it was the Teoh Beng Hock inquest. Yes yes. He died because he fell down. There was no sign of struggle. All the injuries pointed to one fact. That he committed suicide. Yes yes.

But wait. How about the mark on the shoe? Sign of him being dragged? Oh, yes, I did not check on that. Yes, it is possible that he was dragged. Oh, his watch was missing and there were scratches on his hand. Ah…erm…I did not check on that too. Eh, he was 178cm tall. How come there were no finger print on the dusty glass window? Erm…never thought about it.

Oh ya, there were finger prints. But the prints were not good enough for profiling. I see. What's that? Yes. I concluded that he committed suicide. But of course, I did not see suicidal tendency from my interviews with his relatives and friends. Oh yes I also did not ask the Investigating officer about it. I just made my own conclusion. How come one of his shoes was not on his foot? Well, it flew off. But yes, I do not have any evidence for that. I am just speculating.

Yes yes, he committed suicide. But, he could have been squatting on the window ledge. Yes, squatting alone.

Please. Would somebody filter the Internet? I am dying out here. I might choke on my own puke soon. Please.