Malaysia’s Goat Year According to Master Chun Chun

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Lim Teck Ghee

Disappointed with the predictions of political pundits on the country’s fortune which never seem to be right, I turned to my astrologer friend, Datuk Seri Master Chun Chun, for his reading on what the Goat Year has in store for the country.

This is his prediction.

1. The country’s stock index will top the 2,800 mark. This record high will not be due to a recovery in oil and commodity prices but because of the adoption of the Tanjung Rambutan fiscal sustainability model by the government.

According to the Auditor General, this unique model of fiscal prudence has two key aspects. One is the practice of participatory fiscal planning which involves both staff and inmates. The second is the open account system which enables the public to view online the details of revenue and expenditure; and acts as a check against financial malfeasance. The Rambutan system was first implemented three years ago and has resulted in developmental and operational cost savings of over 50% annually for the asylum. In just the first year of its operation nation-wide, it is expected to reduce the budget deficit from the current 3.4% to less than 2%. GLCs will be the biggest contributors to savings in the new system.

2. A newly established high level council – the Malaysian Patriots Council – will help restore moderation, reconciliation and harmony to the country. In an unprecedented coup, members of the council – affectionately referred to as “patsies” have been able to bring together leaders from the major political parties, religious organizations and religious bureaucracy to endorse a declaration that the country is an Islamic country and a secular state.

The agreement settles once and for all any doubts about the supremacy of the constitution in the upholding of religious freedoms and basic rights. As a result of the agreement, it is estimated that 90 percent of the staffing of the religious bureaucracy has to be made redundant. However, MPC has been able to negotiate for the full absorption of all retrenched staff by the non-Muslim private sector in a clearly win-win outcome. The redeployment of staff is being facilitated by a golden hand shake financed by the savings arising from the National Rambutan system.

3. Inter-racial marriages and national unity will hit a new high. This is due to the follow up from the Prime Minister’s declaration that the real heroes of the country are those that have married outside the comfort zone of their racial group. According to him, “There is no greater challenge in Malaysia than that of breaking down racial and religious bigotry, prejudice and stereotyping”.

To show the country’s appreciation for the pioneers of the new Malaysian race, the Prime Minister will annnounce a package of special benefits, including state sponsored wedding receptions and honeymoons, and preference in state housing projects for inter-racial marriage couples. Also, a complimentary national car with a special number plate (BP for Bumi-premium) and free Petronas petrol for one year will be awarded to qualifying couples. There is one catch. Should the marriage break down, the perks will have to be refunded.

4. At the international level, Malaysia’s entry, ‘Musang king durian cheese’ will cause a sensation by winning the grand award at the Salon Professionnel Fromage et Gastronomie, the foremost French, and possibly leading world cheese competition. Tributes to the exceptionally fragrant bouquet of the cheese will come from cheese lovers all over the world. Master Chun Chun warned that French political satire magazines will try to derail the Malaysian entry, for example, by running a cartoon of the Malaysian cheese alongside a toilet bowl with the caption, “Into the toilet … all foreign cheeses” ahead of the judging.

He also predicts that the award will be viewed as a significant triumph over European food neo-colonialism and that it will raise Malaysia’s stature all over the world. The astrologer sifu datuk quipped that this win should provide the “oomph” or “umami” which has been missing in the Malaysian Prime Minister’s effort to sell his brand of “moderation”. He also predicted that the award by the most insular and nationalistic group in the world (the judges) was proof of how right the Prime Minister was in his belief that food fusion of East, West, North and South was the way forward in international diplomacy. But he also expected that radical activists would attempt to raise tensions, eg; by calling on Malaysia’s leaders to take down American imperialism through challenging the dominance of Kentucky Fried, McDonald’s and Pizza Hut with durian flavoured fried chicken, burgers and pizzas.

5. The country’s foremost gangsta rapper, Ke-Amen-an will have a smash hit song which will put the country’s flower power and peace credentials in the international spotlight, and attract a million new visitors flocking to the country.

Sung to the 60’s hit refrain of “San Francisco”, the song “Kuala Lumpur’ will also emerge as the peace anthem song of extremist groups throughout the world, including in Syria, Afghanistan, Nigeria and Ukraine. The country’s foremost peace research think tank will feature Ke-amen-an and the song as its main draw in its latest international conference titled ,“ Songs To Address the New World Disorder”. This absolutely out-of-the-box conference, to be launched by our former Prime Minister, is expected to bring an estimated 10,000 peace activists from around the world to KL.

If you’re going to Kuala Lumpur
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you’re going to Kuala Lumpur
You’re gonna meet some gentle people there
In the streets of Kuala Lumpur
Gentle people with flowers in their hair
All across the nation, such a strange vibration
People in motion
There’s a whole generation with a new explanation
People in motion, people in motion

A Cautionary Note 

Although he has predicted a great outlook for the country, Master Chun Chun warned that the Goat Year will be hard on past and present leaders who are not righteous, honest or straightforward.  He also predicted that the Altantuya murder saga will finally see closure.

He refused to elaborate on his last two predictions reminding that the country’s sedition law is still in effect.